Start. Now.

Very first blog entry! Well for this diary idea anyway. So good to have an outlet to just let loose and say whats on my mind. To be narcissistic just be able to say what Im thinking and feeling or dealing with without having to explain myself or worry about who could possibly be reading it and the repercussions that come from this.

So will be keeping to the plan :)

Insight
Reading Become a better you by Joel Osteen and WOW! What a book! It just blows me away each time with the amount of insights it has and just how helpful it is for my spiritual walk. When F asked me at Nana's house how my spiritual walk was going if I were truly honest I would have said that I am retreating. Yup. Losing ground. Falling on my arse. Failing. But reading this book I have realised that I need to figure out what is actually keeping me from truly believing I am a child of the Most High God. What is it that makes me walk around defeated and lost? Why is it that even though I know what I'm supposed to do, how great God actually is I still turn away? I'm determined to get to the root of my problems and try and figure out why my faith is only temporary. Help me Father so I may be able to address this problem and be able to break free from these bonds and become close to You.

Personal Mushy Stuff
If I were being really honest here this was the only main reason why I started this diary entry. So I could selfishly say what I'm feeling without feeling guilty and without being judged. Where to start?

How about current crush: B? My friends and I have given him the code name B and I think it kinda suits him. He's a second year Law student, ridiculously cute and the reason I absolutely love my Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays. I mean two hours of being in the same room as him. Can someone give me a hell yeah?

I first noticed him in the first couple of weeks of being an actual law student but being off boys at the time I didn't give him much thought.

Can I please go back to those days?

Because right now most of my thoughts are occupied by him. I find myself wondering where he could be (what the fudge?), the chances I have of bumping into him at any given time (pathetic I know) and what the chances are that we could be together. I have the mafia a family, a village and a whole bunch of taxpayers interested in how my schoolwork turns out. I'm not allowed I cant afford to be distracted


I blame this on my curse gift of overanalysing everything that happens to me. Honestly give me an inch and I'll take a mile! It all began when I had oral sentencing submissions for Criminal Law. Being pretty nervous and not knowing anyone but Y in the group I didnt know what to expect. And who comes strolling down our way a couple of minutes before we enter the room? Who was particularly smiley and cracked a couple of jokes? And was that pang I felt inside me when he hugged another girl who I thought was his girlfriend jealousy?! What the hell was going on here?  Not only was he in my group but I thought he was looking at me the whole time and afterwards when we were outside he even told me that I did really well. So being the fool idiot/weirdo/hopeless romantic that I am I have treasured those few moments and every time I listen to Falling for you or I do by Colbie Caillat guess who comes to mind? Even though I'm 99.9% sure he doesnt feel the same way. My sensible self says:

He was just being friendly. And he wasn't even looking at you fool he was only looking around the room being as nervous as he was. Plus how would you even know that he was looking at you? You were looking at him through the corner of your eye. Dont you trust the opinion of the 500 million optometrists you have gone to because of your paru eyes and your equally paru memory causing you to lose your 499,999,999 other pairs of glasses? You're BLIND woman!

But damn my confident and optimistic nature that I have been cursed blessed with due to my upbringing. Because its that .1% that tells me he does feel the same way.

I mean have you seen what you have to offer girl? All of that! *insert fingersnaps and 'tude*

However the real question is what I would do if he actually asked me out. Would I say yes? I'd love to think that I wouldn't. And no Im not confused and neither do I have a personality disorder. But I'd like to think that I'd be able to hold to my guns. Be all cool and suave and give him the whole:

If you wait for me, Ill think about it.

Not because Im a bitch gal who likes to feel all important and let people down because it would make me feel good but because I'm a good teine Samoa who was raised the right way. I need to think of what the consequences would be from the Po-Po for my family. Not to mention the fact that if I said yes I'd be doing a Mulan who never becomes a hero by disgracing those very same people who are my #1 fans by disobeying everything they've taught me. I would never be able to redeem myself. Oh and I'd fail my papers miserably and never get a job to support my family. Besides which I havent even mentioned the fact that I'd be a huge *think colossal* dissapointment and my dad wouldnt be able to look the village in the eye again on the pulpit on Sunday. And of course on top of that shebang it wouldnt be fair on him (B) because I wouldnt be fully committed. I'd be paranoid about being snapped and I'd be uptight and that would most probably cause problems. Not to mention the fact that he wouldnt even be able to meet my family and they are such a huge part of me that he wouldnt even be getting to know the real me - all of me.

But is this really the way it would go down? Would I think about the greater good or be selfish?

Damn it. Why now flipping heck? Why not a couple of years down the track like when we have graduated? One wise girl at church (L) once said that when your getting close to God the devil likes to throw a temptation your way and for most girls its a boy. Well I've probably failed miserably because just when my walk was getting stronger this happened and now everything is all AWOL...Need to keep praying that God shows me the root of this temporary faith thing. Darn it.

But then again I've probably blown it already anyway. I mean how much more obvious could I have been? Doing a complete 180 degree turn after seeing him at the end of UBS. And since then no eye contact or anything...

Holy crap! I cant believe that Ive stressed this much over it and nothing has even happened. He probably doesnt even know I exist -.-"
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So that is it for today. Being the first blog entry Im pretty sure Im allowed to have a break. Anyway its my blog - my rules.

Ciao for now darling xxx