Loading...

Yo!

So Im sure you weren't expecting me back so soon and I'm not here because of reasons we discussed before like the 'lazy feeling' which finally decided to leave this morning. Two days before my two exams. Shit. I just have to unload all the wacked musings in my head before I go mental with bottling everything inside. Bear with me.

I have serious trust issues
Last night R decided to inform me that she heard G and I's conversation last Friday night a la Katy Perry. So I was still trying to get my head around that when she decides to add in another little nugget of gold. She told K and F about what we were talking about. YoujusttoldotherpeoplemyinnermostsecretswhichIdidntevenentrustyouwith say WHAT?

Let's just say I did not take it well. I know your thinking what the fudge? Its something so small! What are you getting your knickers in a knot for? Let me explain.

I told G about B but I did not want anyone else in my family finding out about it. I can tell him anything and I feel like he won't judge me because he's done so much worse in the past and he just listens. I couldn't even fathom bringing the subject up with everyone else. It seems really weird because I always paint the big happy families picture right? Don't get me wrong we are tight. My first cousins are my other siblings. We all grew up together and I have absolutely no doubt that each and every one of them will have my back if ever I needed them. They would drop whatever they were doing and come and dig me out of whatever hole I stupidly got myself into. Again and again.

So why not?

I didn't want my older cousins especially P knowing because I felt they would just tell me everything I was already telling myself. That I should be sticking to my schoolwork. That there was plenty of time for having a boyfriend after my degree. That there was my fan club family to think about. And the village. And 'dem taxpayers. And the whole freaking world.

I didn't want the younger ones knowing because I still see them as my little babies.  K had a bad experience once where her diary was found (she was in intermediate) and she wrote down who she liked. She got in so much trouble and was off boys ever since. F also had a bad experience. How could I tell them about a change in my life that might not even be happening in theirs?

On top of that to us girls it was always an insult to be viewed as a girly-girl. We were all for equality between the genders competing to see who could take the most punches,  who could do the most man-ly fe'aus (chores) or who could rough it out with the boys when playing a game in Aunty S's backyard. Boys (who were not in our family or 'just friends') were the enemy and Lord forbid one of us become like one of those stuttering weirdos on tv shows who would do things totally out of character for a boy.

Except I did.

Everyone had begun noticing how I was taking more care in my appearance and although B was not the only  reason behind why this was happening I have to admit that it was a big factor over the last half of second semester. But how could I concede defeat and admit that after all those years of bravado and man-liness I was just...a girl? 

___________________________________________________________________________________

In the end everything turned out fine. Over lunch I mentioned that R told me that they knew. K and F told me  they were hurt that I would turn to G who came all the way across the Tasman and not them but they live only 10 or 15 minutes away from me. I told them about B and all they said was 'that's cute.' Trust K to say 'your a girl now' in an awe-struck manner haha. 

I suppose its all part of growing up. I just need to trust that when changes in my life happen my family will always try to understand where I'm coming from like with the B situation.

Motto of the week: Free fallin'

Merci darling. A bientot

xoxo

PS: Update on the B situation
Well we say 'Hi' to each other now. Yeah, no biggie. Biggest understatement in the world.

I told the girls about the B situation thinking that the coast was clear and that he wasn't in uni. I even freaking mentioned his name (all three of them) but I suppose I have the luck of a wannabe Irishman because I saw him in level 4 when I walked in after lunch. What. An. Idiot. Oh well, the horoscope did say to 'act' :P